Categorized | Sports

JaMarcus Russell Inks “Deal” With Coca-Cola

MIDTOWN, Atl. — Reports Wednesday of JaMarcus Russell being let go by the Oakland Raiders were immediately followed by a lucrative contract offer from beverage giant, Coca-Cola.

“I am happy to confirm reports that I will be a member of the Coca-Cola family effective June 1st, 2010. I am also proud to wear and represent the Coca-Cola brand, at least from the hours of 9 am to 6 pm, Monday through Thursday,” said Russell at a press conference.

The contract is speculated to pay Russell anywhere from $29,000 to $36,000 per year plus health care benefits and company stock options. Russell’s duties as a representative of the Coca-Cola brand have not been released to the press, but several options are reportedly in play.

“Russell’s a great guy with tons of potential,” said Coca-Cola Chairman Neville Isdell. “He’s a great acquisition because there are just so many things he is capable of. We’ll probably start him off with truck loading until he learns the ropes, but who knows? He might eventually become a driver. He’s that good.”

Added Isdell, “There’s some garbage here that no one wants to throw out. Maybe that.”

The news of the signing came as a great sigh of relief to Russell’s agent, Melvin Bratton, who was found sobbing in a Motel 6 only one week prior.

“There I was, gun in hand. Seconds away from sweet relief. I left my firm with only Russell as my meal ticket. I thought ‘You really fucked up this time, Melvin. No one wants to hire JaMarcus Russell’s agent. You stupid sack of shit.’ Then I got the call from Big Red.”

After initially misunderstanding his agent’s hysterical shouting of ‘We got Coke’, Russell immediately contacted Vice President Russell Douglas about the potential opening.

“I couldn’t believe it. Following so much criticism from players, fans, and pretty much everyone else alive today, I never expected an offer to arrive this quickly. This is tens of thousands of dollars per year we’re talking about,” said Russell.

However, numerous sports writers quickly questioned whether the ex-Raiders draft pick bust was really up to the task of day-to-day Coca-Cola responsibilities.

“For Coke to make this pick, to me, is just stupid,” wrote Peter King on SI.com. “Yeah, he’s a good value, but if you’re the top ranked beverage company, you gotta go out there and get someone like Maurice Clarett. You know, someone to build a franchise around.”

Douglas justified his decision, stating that he went with Russell over the throng of other has-beens and never-wills because of character.

“We might be taking a risk with Russell, but he is someone you want around the office. And not just to heckle and jeer. Solid heart, very polite, the kind of guy you want on the company softball team.”

Added Douglas, “Unless softball skills are in any way related to football skills.”

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu