LOS ANGELES, Calif. — In an uplifting act of patriotism and sportsmanship, a crowd of about 11,000 people gathered outside of the Staples Center on Thursday to vocalize dissent over the mandatory NBA Draft of the Los Angeles Clippers.
“Just senseless, brutal tragedy,” said Barbara Wilson, a Clippers season ticket holder of ten years. “Year after year, the draft comes and takes these kids from us who were so full of hope and promise. It’s despicable.”
The radical movement to permanently terminate the annual Clippers draft picks was led by local talk radio host Donald McIntyre, who referred to the organization as “wholly un-American”.
“At what point do we stop the draft? At what point to we realize that we can’t win versus any opponent? They’re over there thousands of miles away employing tactics that we’ve never even seen before. We can’t win, people. We haven’t won in decades and it’s only going to get worse,” McIntyre said following the burning of a Donald Sterling effigy.
The movement to ban the draft is in its second year and has notably gained in numbers since last season. Many speculate that this growth is linked to the fan base’s obliteration of the last goddamn shred of hope that remained following the injury to Blake Griffin, who was among the irate horde.
“I was only in my first year of duty with the Clippers. I knew it was bad over here, but I figured that with my rigorous conditioning, I could take it. Wasn’t long before my knee was blown to pieces,” Griffin said, shaking his head with a distant, incredulous gaze.
While no legal action is expected to take place for several years, revolution leaders like McIntyre encourage parents and others to take every other action possible.
“Make no mistake, I’m a red-blooded American and damn proud of it. I got a son in school like many of you. Now he’s growing up with dreams of being a point guard, but if the Clips call his number, there’s no way I’m letting my boy head anywhere but Canada,” said McIntyre.
Clippers executives had previously fired Mike Dunleavy weeks ago in a last ditch effort to prevent further riots from the bellicose group, known as Americans United Against Clippers, but the tumultuous history of the franchise had frayed relations too severely.
The group’s eldest Clippers fan and conscientious objector, Nicolas Ridell, recalled the empty promises proffered during his early years of Clipper support. “Oh sure, it gets worse and worse until finally there’s a regime change. But they just install a new leader who’s as terrible as the last one, if not worse. It’s not a season or two later that the inexcusably horrendous draft picks begin again.”