Categorized | Sports

John Fox Unveils ‘The Ortebow’

DENVER, Colo. — In a move that is unprecedented in the history of mad science and football, Denver Broncos head coach John Fox has announced that both Tim Tebow and Kyle Orton will start on Sunday for the Broncos at quarterback.

“I don’t mean trading off snaps,” Fox clarified. “I’m talking about joined at the hip, double-headed football. These are… exciting times in Denver.”

Fox claimed the decision came from “wanting to be left alone (regarding the starting QB)” and “needing somebody to ask a question that isn’t pure headline fodder”. He also expects the disfigured abomination to accrue at least 500 total yards of offense on Sunday against the San Diego Chargers.

“Is that what you people want?” Fox asked reporters at a weekly press conference. “I’ve ruined the lives of two beautiful human beings. But hey! anything for a halfway decent passer, right?”

Despite Fox’s slow recovery from the guilt of the hack-and-sew operation resulting in The Ortebow, optimism sprung anew within the frustrated Denver fanbase.

“I think it’s a perfect solution,” said longtime Bronco fan, Marty Michels. “Orton could drop back to pass; but I wouldn’t be looking at Orton, I’d be looking at the fiery, determined face of Tim Tebow. Terrific spiral and a guy you want to root for all in one? I’m sold.”

Added Michels, “Maybe Tebow could even lead the huddle with his classic Tebow leadership and Orton could just be, you know, hanging around outside the huddle.”

As of press time, over 12,000 #815 Ortebow jerseys had already been sold. However, skeptics to the wildly unusual, Dr. Moreau-esque strategy were quick to voice their concerns.

“I just don’t see how this is going to work at all,” said co-quarterback Kyle Orton. “I’m freaking married, dude. I can’t get rid of Tim now, and he refuses to sleep in the same bed as my wife since he’s not married to her. Although now he kind of is, I suppose. Oh my God — I mean, gosh. Sorry, Tim.”

The NFL has since notified the Broncos front office that, although the two are mutatively conjoined and technically constitute one man formed in the eyes of only the most cruel and unforgiving god, Denver would have to sit one extra player out on every snap that The Ortebow plays.

“Moreno,” Fox said immediately.

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu