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Nation Erupts In Anger After Boehner Buys Second Coffee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uproar began outside a Washington, D.C. Starbucks where Speaker of the House John Boehner was seen buying a venti decaf Holiday roast, his second coffee of the day. Upon the news leak, a crowd of well over one hundred gathered to effectively jeer and barricade Boehner before he was escorted out the emergency exit by security detail.

“Don’t like your precious coffee so much now, do you? Yeah, that’s what I thought, traitor,” taunted unemployed substitute teacher Nora Gray, who held the door closed with an umbrella.

Off-duty policeman Donald Wesley, who was first to report the scandal, saw Boehner enter the Starbucks at 9:13 a.m. and return forty-five minutes later for the infamous purchase.

“I feel betrayed, personally,” Wesley said. “Here’s a guy who’s supposed to be cutting back in a time of crisis, but he’s downing macchiatos or whatever like they’re water. I don’t even get a full pension and I’m sitting in Starbucks just for the free Wi-Fi. Enjoy your fucking coffee, asshole.”

Multiple news outlets, excluding Fox News, are calling the unruly consumption a major blow to Boehner’s campaign that could even affect his re-election and future presidential bids.

“You can imagine how this will play out down the road and all scenarios end in disaster,” MSNBC analyst Rachel Maddow said smugly. “Any time he proposes a pork barrel earmark for the private sector, someone’s going to step in and say, ‘Maybe we could afford that if you’d switch to store-bought java.’”

President Obama, typically mum on the private expenditures of government employees, said he felt “embarrassed” that the Ohio Representative was seen throwing money about so whimsically, especially around struggling American citizens who have resorted to Folgers or, in some drastic cases, tea.

“I think the American public can finally understand the plight of trying to compromise with big spenders in Washington who want reform for everyone but themselves. Today is not an isolated incident, I assure you,” Obama said.

Following Obama’s comments, the House Appropriations Committee launched a full-scaled investigation into not just Boehner’s coffee gaffe, but all scones, biscotti, Frappuccinos, Mocha lattes, muffins, and “Sounds of the Seasons: A Starbucks Christmas” CDs purchased by fat cat Senate and House members.

“If anyone in the legislative branch is cavorting with Big Coffee, we’re going to find out about it and there will be repercussions,” chairman Harold Rogers said. “The caffeinated gravy train is over.”

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu