COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local flasher Allen Whitaker expressed gratitude for his loyal throng of nonconsensual viewers on Thursday, but also felt that it was time for a larger number of citizens to see his famed penis.
“First of all, to those that stand idly at bus stops and business parks, thank you,” Whitaker began. “It is for you that I bear my genitals underneath my now-iconic beige trench coat. But I have now reached the stage in my career where I need to start thinking big picture.”
Whitaker described his road to success as one paved in social media and name-brand recognition. As of press time, he has launched the Twitter account @bareyallen for real-time updates on upcoming exposures, response to fans and detractors of his uniquely shaped member, and occasional photos from his soon-to-be-released concept album, “Low Hanging Brilliance”.
Overall reaction to the news has been positive and supportive with most responses feeling Whitaker’s move had been a long time coming.
“When Allen first exposed himself to me, I thought it looked like everything I’d seen before: same old, same old, no variety or cultural impact,” said Leslie Brown, a safety patrolwoman at James K. Polk Elementary. “But then I took a second look and I knew he really had some special testicles there.”
However, some fans from day one reportedly held some degree of frustration with the “Flash Drive”, a nickname derived from Whitaker’s signature move of hopping out of an unmarked Toyota Corolla, unsheathing his coat, and driving away.
“He’s paid his dues to get to where he is,” said Jacob Tassel, a fan since 2001. “He has assailed me at coffee shops, movie theaters, and even my backyard once. Now when everyone sees his weathered gift, it kind of loses some of the magic, you know? Like it’s not really just me and him in an inescapable situation anymore.”
Whitaker was quick to temper criticism of allegedly selling out with a tweet that reinforced what had always connected him to his victimized following.
“I know many of you fear the worst given what has happened to sex offenders who went big, but cliché as it sounds, I’ll still be the same old Allen swinging the same old balls and shaft.”
Added Whitaker, “Besides, I really don’t want too much recognition.”