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Wall Street to Protesters: “You Win”

NEW YORK, N.Y. — After 219 years of economic booms and complete collapses, Wall Street and its perpetuators met their end today, December 2nd, 2011. Analysts did not attribute the closing to the effects of the housing bubble burst, the $62 billion Bernie Madoff scheme, the lack of regulation under the Bush presidency, subprime lending, the collapse of international banks, unsupervised bailouts, short selling, or costly foreign wars; rather, sources say, it was the incredibly effective Occupy Wall Street movement.

“I wish I could say I’m surprised, but I’ve been slowly clearing out my office for a week now,” said Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein. “Pack it in, boys. We’re through here.”

The agreement to permanently end all financial transactions worldwide was reached “probably in a big fucking room with The Man and all the crooks smoking cigars,” speculated Occupy Wall Street member Kyle Mauer. NASDAQ will reportedly be the first to shut down and return its MarketCap of $4.72 trillion to investors.

Despite news of the victory that was inevitable at the conception of the movement, phones had been ringing off the hook with investors looking for what protesters call “one last hit from the crack pipe forged by corruption and lies”. Trade brokers have ensured the well-educated, organized movement that no further business will be conducted.

“No more calls! No more buying! No more selling!” Merrill Lynch financial advisor Henry Stevens shouted at a longtime client. “Can’t you hear the drum circle? They won. It’s over.”

Some magnates and executives, such as Bank of America’s Brian Moynihan and Citigroup’s Vikram Pandit, were against dissolution, stating that the war against whoever protesters were mad at was bleak, but winnable.

“Sure, we were blindsided by the impeccable leadership that arose from a group whose collective knowledge amounts to a Bachelor’s degree and a D average,” admitted Moynihan. “But maybe if we meet them halfway on their demands like… like… anyone know?”

However, the motion for the world’s most intelligent businessmen to remain solvent was dismissed by JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon, who suggested that Moynihan “wake up and smell the hemp” and reminded him that “they’ve got an endless supply of cardboard to work with”.

“But if they want sacrifice, I’ll be the lamb,” Dimon said, gallantly offering to resign or to reform or whatever if it meant keeping the cunning horde of cutthroat protesters at bay.

New York City’s homeless were thrilled to have their prime real estate back after the final stage of the movement’s tactical strike, but worried the end of a complex enterprise that affected the wealth of 196 countries might add to the already competitive rate of homelessness.

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: