Categorized | Sports

David Stern Counteroffers $4 for French Dip, Tomato Soup, Steak Diane, Lemon Meringue Pie, and a Drink to be Named Later

CHICAGO, Ill. — Trade talks re-opened Friday at Chicago’s “The Cheesecake Factory” when NBA commissioner David Stern sent a proposal to restaurant owner David Overton that would effectively send an appetizer, two entrees, a dessert and a beverage to Stern’s belly while Overton would tentatively receive four crisp one dollar bills plus a bonus if service requirements are met. Stern originally rejected the proposal of $3 for the soup, $8.50 for the sandwich, $19.75 for the steak, $7 for the pie, and $6 for a Loaded Lemonade, as per the menu’s suggestion.

“It’s a good deal,” Stern said. “The bills have not been crumpled or torn and they’ve got a lot of potential, depending on how management ends up using them.”

The potential exchange between Stern and The Cheesecake Factory first fell apart on Wednesday afternoon when general manager Mike Fillipi politely refused any offer below $44.25 plus tax. Fillipi recommended that Stern come in for happy hour if he wanted the meal below market value, but Stern scoffed even at those prices and walked out of negotiations in a huff.

“It is our opinion that Mr. Stern has not even a tenuous grasp on reality or value,” Fillipi said. “He told us what he was willing to spend, our server Candace listed the most popular food items, and he simply said ‘all’. Ridiculous.”

Added Fillipi, “Our lemon meringue pie has improved significantly over the past three years. But I guess he’s not willing to take that into account.”

Stern deflected the criticisms of his outrageous trade requests, stating that he was “merely acting in the best interests of [his] wallet” and that “if the restaurant didn’t like his offer, perhaps it shouldn’t exist”. The commissioner’s new proposal would either include more revenue sharing, with the owners splitting the check twenty-nine ways, or in a doomsday scenario, said owners would simply take control of the restaurant to get the sweet morsels to Stern’s lower digestive tract over the next few hours.

“We can do that, right?” asked Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. “I think we can do that. Yeah, let’s do that.”

The real problem, according to analysts, is that The Cheesecake Factory not only offers their food at a price far above Stern’s delusionary understanding, but the restaurant’s status as a highly successful chain also poses a threat to struggling restaurants nearby.

“For too long, The [Cheesecake] Factory has gotten everything they wanted because of smart business decisions, excellent locational selection for new venues, and a quality product that is universally enjoyed. Today we say, ‘enough’,” said Stern.

Most experts believe that the negotiations will be concluded by 9 p.m. today as Baron Davis, who is visiting for a road game, offered to offset the price difference if he could “just fucking eat already”.

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu