ANN ARBOR, Mich. — After countless televised pizza gaffes, flubs, and screw-ups, employees of Domino’s Pizza unilaterally agreed that the only recourse was, and is, dying. When the resolution was proposed during a recent teleconference call, all 103 regional managers shrugged and said “eh, sure”, more or less. The company will roll out corresponding commercials on January 20th with humorous admissions of guilt followed by unedited death.
“Look at these cinnamon sticks. They’re disgusting. I wouldn’t let my dog touch that!” Poughkeepsie pizza chef Doug Williams said with a smile. “We’re not OK with this, and to prove it, I’m ascending the gallows right now to snap my own neck.”
“Now that’s commitment!” said Michael Embry, a nearby chef and longtime friend of the now-deceased Williams.
Domino’s CEO J. Patrick Doyle expressed sincere regret for both the chain’s subpar pizza and the fact that they couldn’t afford to air every employee’s demise, but remained adamant that the appropriate precautions would be taken.
“You may not see what goes on at every establishment, and boy is that a relief, but we’re going to get it right. For instance, when a customer’s complaint comes in through the internet, we find the offenders, bring them to this ‘X’ here, and have him or her kneel down in front of the firing squad”, Doyle said, watching a simulcast in San Francisco. “Bang! Ha ha. Ah, that’s cathartic.”
To ensure customer satisfaction, the first step in fixing Domino’s image — outside of changing the pizza, which Doyle described as “a lost cause” — will be a guarantee of proper pizza delivery. Doyle dialed a franchise at random to illustrate the promise.
“This is Domino’s, home of the “Pizza in 30 minutes or I’ll Slit My Wrists Vertically” Deal!” answered 16-year-old Joshua Milsap, feigning confidence. Milsap and all other drivers will be required to call their four closest friends and family members on the not-at-all-off-chance the pizza is late, cold, or inedible.