BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — The culmination of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, failed public relationships with athletes, and overall fame circus came to a head on Monday as Kris Kardashian, the undisputed puppeteer behind the upheaval-for-cash schemes, firmly demanded that the vultures in the media leave Kim alone. The announcement was a shock to many who tuned into Kim Kardashian Takes a Goddamn Break, with the general expectation being she was headed on another wacky vacation – funded, of course, by voyeuristic mortals wishing to see bikini footage.
“You sickos kept pushing and pushing my little Kimmy until we finally had to say, ‘You know what? No. The illusion that I care in any way about my gorgeous daughter’s psyche is temporarily more important than money,” Kris Kardashian said in a cutaway shot.
Equally stunned were the advertisers and television executives who had scurried to line up demoralizing promotions, TV spots, and paid public appearances at the kinda-sorta-quasi-if-you-want-to-call-it-that mother’s urging.
“I don’t understand. I just got off the phone with her,” Sketchers spokesman Mark Reynolds said. “She told me that the deal had to get done and pronto because, and I’m quoting here, ‘money doesn’t age, but my daughter does.’”
Kris has not set a timetable for Kim’s return, but seemed to blame the media for her being yanked from the intense spotlight that melts individuals down to their true character. The end to Kim’s pursuit of grocery store magazine rack glory “could have been avoided”, according to Kris, had members of the press refused to cover Kim’s divorce from her belittling, snide husband Kris Humphries, formerly a knight in shining armor and the yin to her yang.
“We’re going to reassess what went wrong and then make our moves. We’re a lowbrow television juggernaut, first and foremost. Perhaps we just lost sight of that,” Kris said to her daughter, while applying blush for an objectifying Maxim photo shoot that will undoubtedly use a crass pun to call attention to her ass. “Also, remember to tell the nice people waiting outside that this special airs again at 9 Eastern on E!”
In such a difficult time for the family, which remains a fluid concept based on market research and polling results, father Bruce Jenner announced his full support of the plan.
“Kris did everything right, everything you’re supposed to do. We had a lavish wedding full of people Kim didn’t know or possibly even hated. We convinced her that marrying Humphries was the right call. We allowed him to treat Kim in a way that would not signify her status as a member of our nuclear family by any stretch. It’s tough. This city, LA, it’s tough,” Jenner said.
Kourtney also took to her mother’s defense, stating that Kris has always had Kim’s best interests in mind, as a manager and as a manager.
“Mom doesn’t want Kim to go back on air until she’s absolutely sure her blood is still rich with the sucrose of the shallowest gods. I wish we could go one day without being labeled ‘vain’ and ‘worthless’ by those who hungrily consume the pre-packaged product mom delivers them, but that’s life,” Kourtney said.
The uglier one was denied comment.