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Match.com Dates Talk Past Restaurant Closing, Irritated Employees Report

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — According to a study conducted Thursday night by disgruntled waiters, chefs, and other food service personnel, 35% of first dates arranged by Match.com result in the couple blatantly disregarding the hours of operation and the well-being of employees. Employees also found that online daters are 66% less likely to pick up on key verbal and physical cues, such as a brightening of the lights and Semisonic’s “Closing Time”, than their offline counterparts.

“Oh wow, you’re so sophisticated. I could never find a guy like you in the real world, probably because they adhere to strict social norms that are just so obscure to me,” Olive Garden waiter Jeff Greene mimicked as he watched his table from afar. “Thanks for taking me to an IHOP for our first date. I’ll assume it’s an IHOP because, really, what other restaurant stays open all night to bend to my selfish wishes?”

“Table 48 was just sat and they look lonely,” host Danielle Webb then said to Greene in a panic. “86 the wine and for godsake don’t mention unlimited breadsticks.”

Employees first noticed a pattern of deviation from the unspoken courtesy of not ordering a third entree, even if the couple arrived well before the final hour of business, after unsavory clientele entered the restaurant in subsequent fashion and refrained from recognizing the servers or managers as people having a likely personal agenda of their own.

“It all seemed like typical first date jitters,” waiter Dennis Wick recalled. “She would order the salad and he would order the steak, then he would order the salad in case she was vegetarian. But then when he did that, their smiles curled up into these awful, awkward grins. I called my wife and told her I’d be home late tonight because some bummed-out dickhead thought he found ‘the one’.”

It remains unclear what brought society’s inert to the Olive Garden in the first place, but evidence suggests that the trend is likely to increase in intensity, as long as the employees display the sense of the world not owing them anything that the loathed cyber-patrons inherently lack. Complicating matters further, the sample subjects have reportedly developed a keen awareness for kindness and an equally powerful ability to manipulate it via sadness.

“Most restaurants don’t understand the pain of meeting someone after having your unfaithful wife skewer your heart like a wine cork,” said Gerald Dell, a self-pitying oblivious customer of Match.com. “Melinda and I have something special, and when you’ve searched for so long and endured so much rejection, whether it is because of your alopecia or your steadfast refusal to consider another’s point-of-view, well, that love transcends recommended eating schedules.”

“She was hesitant to meet me offline at first,” Dell continued, “but I assured her the transition from our private chat log would be seamless. I told her I knew a place where we could still talk ’til the sun came up, but we’d also be served artisanal cheese plates. Or if she was looking to cut back financially, we could just order water.”

Personnel have brainstormed tactics for deterring the newfound demographic, but thus far all advancements have been ineffective. Additional information is expected in the report following the ritualistic meeting of the servers after work at a nearby bar, in which they will drunkenly demolish shot glasses, tumblers and chairs whilst discussing their inconsiderate guests.

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu