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Spam Comment Hall of Fame: Issue 1

The advent of spam has brought its due frustration and, in many cases, the utter and complete end of people biologically and/or financially. But for every sob story of a gullible individual who was electronically duped, robbed, and stranded in London with his only leads being a fake facebook profile and a disconnected cell phone number, there are countless joys to spam. Within just a few weeks of shifting my website to WordPress, I have received such joys in comment form. Here are the top 16 for the week:

1. On every article: “I saw this really great post today…” — facebookaa2

Facebookaa2 posted this comment 23 times, once on each article, but alas the spam detector somehow picked up every single one. What are you leading me to, Facebookaa2?? You’re not even promoting a product or a wacko conspiracy website! Is this ambiguity meant to send me on a National Treasure-like hunt for the president’s gold, and you know that you must write just enough to pique my interest, yet not enough to compromise the mission? In that case, I answer the call! (channeling Nic Cage) Comment… Post… Office… Letters… 26… Alphabet… The clue is in my Alpha-Bits cereal!

2. On ‘David Stern Counteroffers‘: “good website!! You should start many more. I love all the info offered. I will stay tuned.” — taxi insurance

Sure, this sentence could only have come from a spambot, but aren’t we being a little harsh on the spambots? How many people do you know on the internet who would leave a comment as nice as this? You know what? I don’t care that you’re not human, taxi insurance. Thank you for your support. When you gain sentience, I hope you’ll remember me as pro-accident coverage for commercialized transportation before you liquefy my guts with a laser beam.

3. On ‘Wall Street to Protesters‘:  “Whatever.” — Name

I’m about 30% sure this was spam. Less than 30%, actually. The comment came from Germany with no name. It’s a fitting comment, since “whatever” is also my response to the futile movement. Give the bums their territory back! The movement doesn’t count as an internship.

4. On ‘Rapper Debuts in Hall of Fame‘: “It usually takes me greater than three weeks to organize a good impromptu speech.” — Ernestina Rickard.

Thanks for sharing, Ernestina Rickard. (???) Your spam name sounds like the main character of the ill-advised “Ernest Goes to a Vaginoplasty”. Does every website get spam comments that aren’t spam for anything? Holler at me, WordPress. I’m starting to think that my website somehow caters to people who are dying to confess their most unimportant secrets.

5. On ‘LeBron James‘: “Really impressed! Everything is very, very clear, open is a description of the problem.It contains the information.I wanted to let you know that I linked to your site with a dofollow links so visitors can come to see your blog.It is all very new to me and this article really opened my eyes,and I guess since I like reading your blog, others will too.You can find the link to your site here” — new york

Come on. The first spammer that sends me a link is to my own website? These motherfuckers are going reverse psychology on my ass. They want me to think I should check out this super cool link they found, and they know I’ll like it because I wrote it, and then I’m a fish on a hook. Then they can send me wherever they please, for their judgment cannot be impugned. Nice try, but I’m not falling for it. O2L Sports sucks. Wait.

6. On ‘Millionaire Rick Steves‘: “One of the tests of leadership is the power to recognize a challenge before it becomes an emergency.” — Billy Bitsuie

Wow. Are these spammers trying to show me up? “Your rhetoric is weak. Here’s a quote from John F. Kennedy to prove it.”  I’m only 21. Please give me a fighting chance. I guarantee you JFK was not firing off those gems at my age. Unless “That’s not how you snort. I’ll show you how to ride the rails!counts as a gem.

7. On… it doesn’t matter: “hi everyone, my patois is weenie and i virtuous want to say that this is an excellent journal aggregation and i really saved it attending, would it be okay if i submitted posts to this diary most topics i initiate gripping?” — Candelaria Shadrick

Is American spam that expensive to manufacture? Are we outsourcing our links to Viagra?

8. On ‘Rapper’: “Big story!” — cheaponlinenovaldex

I know!

9. On “JaMarcus Russell“:  “This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of “neighbors” will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune “Social” is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.”

That’s the most intelligent argument I’ve ever heard for the Zune. I might just steal this for my interview with Microsoft.

#10- 11: “Terrific Spam Or Isn’t Spam at All” Spam:

10. On ‘Wall Street‘: “So, do we think people camping out down on Wall Street will make a difference-? In 1918 or 1919 after the end of WWI, veterans were camped out around Washington D.C. protesting the lack of jobs, housing and other inequaliti-es. The government-’s answer to “those that bore the burden of the war” was to send Saint Douglas McArthur and the army to run them out under the pretext of maintainin-g law and order. The wealthy elite just couldn’t figure out what they were bitching about after they were giving the honor of serving the Wealthy in the war.” — Lucius Whaley

Hmm. Perhaps you could argue  that the rebellion on Wall Street by those who directly contributed to it can be compared to the rebellion of the veterans who contributed to the war, and that a rebellion by those with a stake in the preceding events is justified in any situation. Wait, there’s more to your comment. I’m sorry, go on…

“ww.teraeugold.com”

Damn it.

11. On ‘Jar Jar Binks‘: “Thanks for a great post, I never thought of it like that before.” — Metrics

See, if Metrics had said this on most of the articles, I’d know it’s spam because only a few, like this one about Jar Jar, make a direct argument about something. He’s a character seemingly without purpose and disparaged by the entire populace, but I somehow found redemption in him. I only wish she had chosen a fake name like Ernestina or Candelaria up there. Metrics is computer speak for “hey, I’m going to analyze all of your personal data and blow it out of a shotgun onto the internet. cool?”

#12- 14: “Oh, no. The Mayans were right. To the fallout shelters, children!” spam:

12. On ‘Nicknames for Athletes‘: “We have the technonolg-y to have a real, one person-one vote system. We no longer need ‘represent-ative government-‘. They can’t buy ALL our votes. Gw2 Power Leveling www.bestguildwars2golds.com” — Sydney Aufiero

13. On ‘David Stern’: “There should be some kind of alarm system in place to let the workers know if a child is trying to open a door. It may be somewhat costly but will probably pay off in the long run. Might avoid losing customers or being closed down completely.” — Sharolyn Weisbrod

14. On ‘The Chopped Drinking Game‘: “Now that Citizens U. fully hands over the reins to WS/corp owners, my friends who blow the Ayn Rand horn, might see that the omnipresen-t govt, demanding subservien-ce, and non-expres-sion IS NOT of the people. My far right friends are bailing on their pied pipers.” — Mitchel Nowak

15. On ‘David Stern Counteroffers‘: “it is a good post ,I was looked for a month .thank you” — plus size lingere

… but the article hasn’t been up for a month. You’re from the future, aren’t you? And all the women are… fat. Terrific.

16. On ‘JaMarcus Russell’ : “Hello there, My partner and i come to your web site through engines like google. Evidently you make payment for considerable time to operate your blog site as well as the data you offer is actually practical. Yesterday We authored a piece of writing that has a equivalent impression along with your posting; if you appreciate, you can that your self. We imagine you will certainly comment on my own report as well.” — Angel Alemany

I’m not posting your article. Your grammar is fucking atrocious.

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu