Categorized | Sports

20 Sports Nicknames for Athletes Who Need Them

It’s a testament to the egotism of sports stars that they give themselves sports nicknames. It’s a testament to the sycophantic nature of fans that we allow them to be King James and the Black Mamba. I, personally, have many nicknames that I embrace but I did not create them. My favorite nickname is Dursky because of the backstory: my friend and I were going to Disney World for Spring Break and we were flying stand-by. As the passengers were boarding, the lady at the desk (does she have a title?) spoke into the intercom: “Morin and Dursky?” We looked up and her eyes suggested she meant us. My friend’s last name is Morean and my last name is O’Toole, so while her pronunciation was only a little off for his name, she failed to get even a single letter right for my name. We laughed about the prospect of two guys named Morin and Dursky absolutely fuming in DIA as the plane took off for Orlando. Thus, Dursky thinks superstars don’t get to give themselves nicknames anymore. Dursky thinks it’s time for fans to dole  out nicknames regardless of whether or not the stars like them.

  1. Tony Romo: Fake Tits. I’m sorry, but there’s no other name for him. You want him to be the real deal, he looks like the real deal, and maybe you can talk yourself into him being just as good as the real deal, but he is bound to disappoint eventually. Plus, just picture Al Michaels calling a Sunday Night game: “Fake Tits drops back, he’s under pressure…scrambling… and Fake Tits is sacked!”
  2. Peyton Manning: Hollywood. This nickname is great for two reasons: one, it draws the spotlight toward Manning’s true talent as an actor in commercials and two, Manning’s face plus the nickname Hollywood.
  3. Terrell “GTF” Owens: The Indoor League completes his mastery of “Get the Fuck Out”.
  4. Rory McIlroy: The Pride of Stars Hollow. I can’t wait to hear Jim Nantz quote Gilmore Girls on the 18th of Augusta.
  5. Aaron Rodgers: GodFavrer. Just in case it wasn’t clearly communicated that he’s going to be better than Favre.
  6. Dwight Howard: Gossip Girl. You know he got SVG bounced. Not fessing up? That’s some GG ish.
  7. The Detroit Red Wings: Ginger Goblins. It doesn’t have to make a ton of sense. It’s fun to shout.
  8. Carmelo Anthony: Broadway Ball Hog. Self-explanatory.
  9. Blake Griffin: Oh! We could go into a whole list of clever puns related to dunking, but the one you’re going to use the most is “Oh! Blake Griffin!”  The exclamation may as well be a stand-in for his name: “Oh! What hang time!”
  10. Rajon Rondo: Empty Rifle. He doesn’t want to shoot. Good guy to have in a pick-up game. Needs to shoot in every other circumstance.
  11. Chris Bosh: The Squash. His personality is nondescript and he plays great defense  doesn’t play great defense plays great defense.
  12. Prince Fielder:  The Obeast. Baseball might not be as exciting as football, but it will always be America’s pastime for as long as fat people can dominate.
  13. Pau Gasol: Blame Basket. Every time Kobe shoots 7 for 30, you’ll hear about how Gasol didn’t step up. And Gasol just takes it.
  14. Danilo Gallinari: D and G. It’s a convenient homage to his Italian heritage. I’ve never seen him in person, but I’m sure he’s very fashionable.
  15. Todd Bertuzzi: A Gutless, Rancid Piece of Shit.
  16. Manu Ginobli: Man, You Flop Nobly.
  17. Dirk Nowitzki: The Catapult. Don’t really know how else to describe his jump shot. If we’re getting technical, I suppose the proper translation is either “schleuder” or “katapult”.
  18. Drew Brees: FEMA. They failed at their jobs, so they don’t get to bear the title. Drew Brees is the one who restored New Orleans. Some might be worried that FEMA carries an insuperable stigma, but if anyone can beat the stigma, it’s Brees.
  19. Eli Manning: Lucky. As opposed to the unavoidable powder keg Peyton will face with Andrew Luck behind him. But does this technically make Eli the Un-Lucky Brother? And if he plays against Luck, is he the Un-un-Lucky Brother? I’m lost.
  20. Reggie Bush: The Alleged. Reggie “The Alleged” has a nice ring to it, and as Sinatra crooned, they can’t take that away from him.
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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu