LOGIC-DEVOID POCKET OF SPACE — A hyper-dimensional spacecraft jettisoned from Earth eight years ago finally reached its destination of Planet 141X with all eight passengers safely touching down in the estrogen-heavy atmosphere. Preliminary photos and video showed no signs of life, but at 4 p.m. today, the scientists reported having made contact with mysterious life forms.
“Get me off of this planet now,” begged lead scientist David Pierce, who was badly lacerated. “These people are trying to kill me. I initiated contact with a simple wave, but I guess that was one of their top ten signs or something. She put me, a Cal Tech doctoral graduate, in a barbed wire swing and poured hot water on me.”
Added Pierce, “If you’re out there reading this, no, I was not ‘turned on’”.
After peace talks between the research team and the dangerous life forms fell through, the crew attempted to flee to the safety of the ship. The life forms pursued them for two miles before finally overtaking them, apparently under the notion that they were flirting.
“Unlike my colleagues, I was initially intrigued by them,” crewmate Jonathan Williams said. “They claimed to have advanced technology that was capable of reading my thoughts and desires. Unfortunately, the technology turned out to be wonky at best when she started saying I wanted to tie her feet together and cover her face with a pillow for five seconds.”
Reports indicated that the life forms appeared emaciated, possibly from a popular yet unsustainable diet. Subjects were seen ingesting space rock, feigning enjoyment, and complaining about being hungry. Efforts by the team to provide the women with actual food were met with accusations that they wanted them to be fat so they “wouldn’t feel as bad about ending the relationship”. Despite extensive data analysis, mathematician Robert West found no conclusion as to how their greeting could constitute a relationship of any sort.
“Look, I’m a mathematician. I get the whole social awkwardness thing. But come on,” West said. “She’s walking around with red dust caked on her forehead, shouting ‘This is me! Get used to it!’ and I’m supposed to chalk that up to social norms? Uh-uh. Sorry. Not even thirty-five billion light-years away. ”
The feeling of pure estrangement was shared by the crew’s only female member, Donna Gilcrest, who was taken in by the women and subjected to a series of increasingly bizarre rituals:
“I didn’t want to do it, but the guys are all saying, ‘This is for science’, so I agreed to go with them. They grilled me with questions like ‘Where is your favorite place to be slapped?’, ‘Would you ever marry a convicted felon?’, and ‘How many times have you checked his bank account?’. They informed me I was a ‘Fearless, Exotic Lover’. Who are these women?”
According to reports, six of the eight crewmembers remain alive while the other two have been repurposed into handbags.