Categorized | Sports

Suitable Alternatives to Gary Bettman

As the NHL lockout wears on, the vitriol continues to seep down from Canada until even the United States cannot help but notice the bad juju. Even in the company of David ‘My Way or Highway’ Stern and Roger ‘Zero Fucks Given About Player Safety Slash The Fans’ Goodell, Bettman looks bad. And he is bad. But whereas the former have solvent leagues on the rise, Bettman cannot afford to fuck up here. Hockey is just now recovering from the kick to the groin it suffered in the early 2000s. The fans can identify players again and not all of them end in –kov, -slav, –tov, or any other –ovs. Baseball is whatever and the seizure of the title for America’s third favorite sport is very much wide open. We, as sports fans, know that Bettman will indeed fuck up and drag this thing out; he’s a prize fighter against conventional economics and it’s going twelve rounds. While hockey has a heartbeat, let’s discuss salable alternatives.

 

A Sack of Flour

Unless an unforseen complication about recipes for team meals comes up, it’s unlikely this would-be commissioner will get in the way of things. The two sides need to come to an agreement without having to pass the soundwaves through an occluding medium. Flour has no vendettas. Flour carries no grudges. Flour might not even know what hockey is all about – the commonalities with Bettman start and end there. Flour 2012.

Mitt Romney

This is a calculated move. If the Romney campaign starts to drum up whispers about how he has always loved hockey, it will be a major face-saver if/when he loses in November to transition into the commisioner’s throne. Sure, there’s not much documented evidence of Romney being a hockey fan, but when has that ever stopped him?

Kanye West

Kanye is perfect for this position. He has a big enough ego to believe he can handle the task, but he’s also a collaborator. He wants a project to succeed with the help of his cadre. (See: Dark Fantasy and Cruel Summer.) Don’t we all deserve a world where 2 Chainz runs a hockey team and weekly memos about the prevalence/lack of stunting are sent out? You know that, in turn, Jigga would bring all of his shine to the sport, and that’s vital. Look at what he did for the Nets and they’re the Nets.

Drew Brees

He handled his much-deserved contract dispute like a professional, he got what he wanted, and it’s an ideal New Orleans Saints season to focus on more achievable goals. If he saves the NHL after bringing N’Awlins back from despair, I’m writing him in on the Presidential Ballot. Rules are rules.

A retired Supreme Court Justice

Am I the only one who wonders what these guys do with their lives when it’s all said and done? They don’t get the urge to exercise their finely tuned judicious natures at every fork in the road? They need a challenge. I imagine they’re very bored, sitting down at breakfast and thinking, “It would be prudent to have three-quarters of my grapefruit and mix the rest in with my orange juice, but would that constitute a necessary clause in which fruit shall, from here on out, be rationed so as to provide a more beneficial flavor to the juice in question?” Plus, for once in our lives, we could have a commissioner where his/her inherent bias is beyond reproach.

Ryan Gosling

After Drive, we know that Gosling is both patient and totally fucking scary. His calming demeanor makes you want to resolve the issue in the best interest of all parties; in the back of your mind, you’re thinking ‘This guy heeled in a skull with a girl watching’.

Ron Paul

Lauded for his good ideas, panned for those moments where they’re just a bit too… creative… Paul looks like a guy who belongs at the helm of a professional sport. Affable, wise, and willing to consider out-of-the-box solutions, Ron Paul is your guy for a sport plagued by stubbornness. Good news for those of you who wanted to see an offshoot Steroids Only league; he’s pro-legalization.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson

All right, so he probably doesn’t give a damn about hockey, but he can argue with the best of them. His rhetorical style doesn’t directly accuse you of anything, but it doesn’t let you off the hook with saying stupid things either. It’s a rare trait to point out logical fallacies sans being a dick about it. Also, the guy is gold with the prolonged one-liners.

Alex Trebek

It wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to have a Canadian run the league that runs their national sport. I might be so bold as to say he might even care about the future of hockey? This is a different approach, because there are only right or wrong answers, but it’s not Trebek who decides them. He merely informs the unions of whether or not what they asked was acceptable.

“This process would alleviate significant disagreement in the negotiations.”

“What is a salary cap dissolution?”

“No, I’m sorry the answer was ‘What is an unchanged players’ share of revenue?’”

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12) is pursuing a Screenwriting MFA at Chapman University. He has worked for Livestrong, CBS, Examiner and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: chris@o2lsports.com