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GOP Announces 2014 Fiscal Plan: “We’re Gonna Teach Fishing”

With the ever-present threat of budget cuts, an uncapped deficit heading toward the rubicon, and a nation left with only uncertainty, the heroics of the Republican party once again answered the falconer Thursday evening with an airtight economic plan.

“We’re going fishing,” Rep. Paul Ryan announced on the Senate floor to captivated cheers. “America is a big ol’ lake and we’ve got a boat. There are fish out there for the American citizen to catch, and we gon’ show them how to do it.”

Issues regarding wasteful spending, the lack of an emerging market that would restore America to superpower status, and said nation’s decreased value in the eyes of creditors were met with the stern reminder that anyone who is not up at the crack of dawn “will not be guaranteed a seat in the seven passenger Chevy Suburban”.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We’ve got the Pacific Ocean, right, and a whole lot of people complaining about hunger and bills and being overqualified in remedial jobs as the result of a rapidly shrunken market. Those crybabies can grab a pole or shut the fuck up,” Ryan continued. “China’s got the same ocean we do and they’re doing just fine.”

When asked about how specifically fishing instruction could be at all related to the prevention of a looming global collapse, Speaker John Boehner simply stated that “fishing is absolutely like everything else, including poverty” and asked if someone could pack peanut butter sandwiches.

The 335-page plan was penned by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell after a two-month soujourn into the wilderness near his Kentucky home, which was definitely funded by the patience and skills developed in the idyllic pastime and not by UBS, Citigroup, and Merrill Lynch. Split into five sections, Fish to Save America would require that all Congressional leaders be familiar with and certified in: Types of Line; Casting Technique; The Zen of the Reel; Engaging in Obtuse, Patronizing Discourse; and Gutting Methodology.

Although the plan has been widely hailed as “remarkable” and “a game-changer”, some constituents still had questions for the party.

“Like, do I bring PowerBait or a special lure? Because if I don’t catch at least two hundred fish, they’re gonna shut off my electricity,” wimpy-as-fuck grocer Steven Walsh commented on FishToSaveAmerica.com.

Should Fish To Save America pass through the Senate and House, President Obama has promised to exercise his presidential veto if the bill does not include earmarks for the equal-measure expansion of golf instruction, subsidized hot yoga introductory courses, and a mandatory Congressional seminar on “Radically Oversimplified Rhetoric and the Retarded American Public Who Loves It”.

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu