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20 Probable Front Page CNN Headlines

CHAOTIC WEATHER STRIKES EASTERN U.S.

Yesterday was 79 degrees. Today… 81.

 U.S. BANKING SECTOR IN TURMOIL

Free checking to be slightly restricted for Wells Fargo customers

 OBAMA UNDER FIRE FROM CRITICS

That suit looked a little cheap, Barry.

U.S. CITIZENS DEMAND NEW CHANGE

‘Fuck pennies,’ many report.

 WAR ERUPTS IN MIDDLE EAST

Here’s an article from AP.

 AIRLINE INDUSTRY IN JEOPARDY

Or on Jeopardy, rather. WATCH questions from yesterday’s category, ‘The Air Up There’.

 REPUBLICANS STORM OUT OF CONGRESS

Rep. Jeff Denham leaves early to pick up daughter, dinner.

 NFL SUED IN CONCUSSION LAWSUIT

CLICK: The 10 Biggest Hits of 2012 (VIDEO)

 FUTURE OF COUNTRY MUSIC IN FLUX

Like, is it all pop now or what?

 MICHELLE OBAMA STAINS DRESS, USES TIDE PEN

It worked pretty well,’ First Lady reports.

 TENSIONS INCREASE OVER SYRIAN-RUSSIAN RELATIONS

What are the global implications for Alaska Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware District of Columbia Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana  Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming and England?

IS PLAID STILL IN?

Was it ever out?

 TOOTSIE ROLL OWL IMPRISONED

Charged with obstructing federal line of questioning

 DJANGO UNCHAINED WAS DISAPPOINTING

Someone needed to say it. Fun but should have been more.

 MAJOR PURCHASES RUMORED IN JOURNALISM

If HuffPo bought us, could you tell?

 SUSPICIONS AROUND PALESTINIAN ATTACKS REMAIN UNANSWERED

Phew. That’s our quota.

META: CNN CRITICIZED FOR MILEY CYRUS COVERAGE

Click: Your reax. My reax. His reax. Her reax. Their reax. Our reax. Its reax. Reax reax.

 WHAT’S NEW IN THE WORLD

Any ideas? Looks clear from our end.

 EXPERTS REPORT COMMERCIAL SPACE TRAVEL SOON

‘This is totally valid speculation,’ says Sec. George Jetson.

VIGIL FOR PRINT MEDIA HELD AT ST. BISHOP’S

Fuck me, those were good days. 

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About the Author

Chris O'Toole (Colorado State '12, Chapman '15) recently finished a Screenwriting MFA. He has written for Livestrong, CBS, and other publications. Love, hate, and job offers can be sent to: otool102@mail.chapman.edu