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Match.com Dates Talk Past Restaurant Closing, Irritated Employees Report

Match.com Dates Talk Past Restaurant Closing, Irritated Employees Report

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — According to a study conducted Thursday night by disgruntled waiters, chefs, and other food service personnel, 35% of first dates arranged by Match.com result in the couple blatantly disregarding the hours of operation and the well-being of employees. Employees also found that online daters are 66% less likely to pick up on […]

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Don’t Blame Glenn Beck

Don’t Blame Glenn Beck

By the time you read this, Glenn Beck will have been off the airwaves of Fox News for more than six months. MSNBC will have had one less idiot by which to compare themselves to in hopes of the viewer ignoring logical fallacy. Jon Stewart and his team will have spent .0003 seconds longer in […]

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Wall Street to Protesters: “You Win”

Wall Street to Protesters: “You Win”

NEW YORK, N.Y. — After 219 years of economic booms and complete collapses, Wall Street and its perpetuators met their end today, December 2nd, 2011. Analysts did not attribute the closing to the effects of the housing bubble burst, the $62 billion Bernie Madoff scheme, the lack of regulation under the Bush presidency, subprime lending, […]

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Nation Erupts In Anger After Boehner Buys Second Coffee

Nation Erupts In Anger After Boehner Buys Second Coffee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uproar began outside a Washington, D.C. Starbucks where Speaker of the House John Boehner was seen buying a venti decaf Holiday roast, his second coffee of the day. Upon the news leak, a crowd of well over one hundred gathered to effectively jeer and barricade Boehner before he was escorted out […]

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Indie Flasher Wants More Exposure

Indie Flasher Wants More Exposure

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local flasher Allen Whitaker expressed gratitude for his loyal throng of nonconsensual viewers on Thursday, but also felt that it was time for a larger number of citizens to see his famed penis. “First of all, to those that stand idly at bus stops and business parks, thank you,” Whitaker began. “It […]

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Millionaire Rick Steves Releases New, Slightly Condescending Travel Guide

Millionaire Rick Steves Releases New, Slightly Condescending Travel Guide

THE HAMPTONS, N.Y. — Rick Steves, traveler, entrepreneur, and author of 51 travel guidebooks, has released his newest travel book, Rick’s Rolling In Style: Traveling in Europe 2010. The book hit stores in March and has so far received mixed reviews “I picked up Rick’s latest copy because I love his travel advice. I have used […]

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