Kris Kardashian Requests Respect for Daughter’s Privacy on One-Hour TV Special

Kris Kardashian Requests Respect for Daughter’s Privacy on One-Hour TV Special

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — The culmination of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, failed public relationships with athletes, and overall fame circus came to a head on Monday as Kris Kardashian, the undisputed puppeteer behind the upheaval-for-cash schemes, firmly demanded that the vultures in the media leave Kim alone. The announcement was a shock to many who […]

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Match.com Dates Talk Past Restaurant Closing, Irritated Employees Report

Match.com Dates Talk Past Restaurant Closing, Irritated Employees Report

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — According to a study conducted Thursday night by disgruntled waiters, chefs, and other food service personnel, 35% of first dates arranged by Match.com result in the couple blatantly disregarding the hours of operation and the well-being of employees. Employees also found that online daters are 66% less likely to pick up on […]

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20 Sports Nicknames for Athletes Who Need Them

20 Sports Nicknames for Athletes Who Need Them

It’s a testament to the egotism of sports stars that they give themselves sports nicknames. It’s a testament to the sycophantic nature of fans that we allow them to be King James and the Black Mamba. I, personally, have many nicknames that I embrace but I did not create them. My favorite nickname is Dursky […]

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David Stern Counteroffers $4 for French Dip, Tomato Soup, Steak Diane, Lemon Meringue Pie, and a Drink to be Named Later

David Stern Counteroffers $4 for French Dip, Tomato Soup, Steak Diane, Lemon Meringue Pie, and a Drink to be Named Later

CHICAGO, Ill. — Trade talks re-opened Friday at Chicago’s “The Cheesecake Factory” when NBA commissioner David Stern sent a proposal to restaurant owner David Overton that would effectively send an appetizer, two entrees, a dessert and a beverage to Stern’s belly while Overton would tentatively receive four crisp one dollar bills plus a bonus if […]

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The Chopped Drinking Game

The Chopped Drinking Game

I hate cooking. The process of driving to the store, finding the ingredients, waiting in line, waiting in the parking lot because the Ford Taurus is backing out come hell or high water, driving home, waiting for the stove to heat up, waiting for the food to cook, and waiting for the food to cool […]

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Rapper Debuts in Hall of Fame

Rapper Debuts in Hall of Fame

THE HOOD, Calif. — The Hip-Hop Hall of Fame selection committee reached a unanimous vote on Wednesday to place new rapper Young Rolla in the prestigious Hall among the likes of other rap greats, such as Jay-Z and 2Pac. According to the committee, Rolla met each of the Hall’s qualifications – consistency, legacy, cultural impact, […]

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Don’t Blame Glenn Beck

Don’t Blame Glenn Beck

By the time you read this, Glenn Beck will have been off the airwaves of Fox News for more than six months. MSNBC will have had one less idiot by which to compare themselves to in hopes of the viewer ignoring logical fallacy. Jon Stewart and his team will have spent .0003 seconds longer in […]

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Wall Street to Protesters: “You Win”

Wall Street to Protesters: “You Win”

NEW YORK, N.Y. — After 219 years of economic booms and complete collapses, Wall Street and its perpetuators met their end today, December 2nd, 2011. Analysts did not attribute the closing to the effects of the housing bubble burst, the $62 billion Bernie Madoff scheme, the lack of regulation under the Bush presidency, subprime lending, […]

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Nation Erupts In Anger After Boehner Buys Second Coffee

Nation Erupts In Anger After Boehner Buys Second Coffee

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An uproar began outside a Washington, D.C. Starbucks where Speaker of the House John Boehner was seen buying a venti decaf Holiday roast, his second coffee of the day. Upon the news leak, a crowd of well over one hundred gathered to effectively jeer and barricade Boehner before he was escorted out […]

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The NBA’s Amnesty Applied to The Past

The NBA’s Amnesty Applied to The Past

One apparent stipulation of the NBA lockout ending is that each team be able to shed one hideous contract without penalty via an amnesty clause. Bill Simmons and friends have already made the decisions for the owners at Grantland.com, but the potential for this idea does not end there. Hypothetically speaking, here is what the […]

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